I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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