I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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