it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
