this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
organizing the empties. That sober.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
