He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
