College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
