I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
