Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
