Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
