I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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