I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
