I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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