Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
