I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize