benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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