he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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