i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
