from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
