If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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