I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
