My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
