a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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