every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You can't special order awesome
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
