He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize