4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
