remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
