Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
