dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
