She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
