i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
