She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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