fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
