the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I want to fling myself into the sun
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
