I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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