dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
