I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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