now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize