margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
