I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
