I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
love makes seman taste better
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
