an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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