drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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