Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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