Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize