Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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