i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
