You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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