Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize