then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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