i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
