the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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