Fine. I'll sleep in my office
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
