Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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