Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
