Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The air taste purple.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
