Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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