oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
