Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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