you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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