I skipped work to stalk him.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the liver wants what the liver wants
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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