My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
