Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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